A germ has caught me

I'm exhausted and fear that all the coughing and sneezing at school has finally caught me. My throat is raw. I ache. My eyes and ears hurt. I feel tired to the bone. Maybe all I need is more rest? I hope so. There is much to do.

This past week, I met with J.O., who is on my tenure-review committee, on Monday. She observed Tuesday's class. Then on Tuesday night I had dinner with Betty. On Wednesday, I met again with J.O. to give her additional information. On Thursday I presided over the faculty colloquium. And, of course, I taught three classes on Tuesday, a night class on Wednesday, and three classes on Thursday. Driving home on Thursday, I was so tired and achy that I kept fearing that I wasn't as alert as I needed to be, and the traffic was very heavy. Yesterday I just sat on the sofa and drank lots of liquids. I did not drive back up to Big Rapids for the baby shower for the department chair's wife, even though I wanted to go. Today I'm supposed to be at the last meeting for the Crossroads Writing Project Summer Institute, but I could not bring myself to do it. I hope Lynn won't be upset with me.

Guilt. Whenever I put myself and my own needs first, I feel guilty. I feel as if everyone is looking down their noses at me and sneering, calling me lazy and self-centered. Maybe I am. But damn it, I am 58 years old. I've given up hopes of doing so many things I'd wanted to do, so why should I force myself to do so much that others want me to do? Guilt. Pure and simple. Guilt. It is guilt that is making me sick. I have the guilt germ.

Tomorrow is my brother's birthday. His card will be late. His gift will be late. More guilt. Today's photo is of my brother and his wife when they were much younger. They are expecting their first baby at the time.

My niece was fired from her job and had a diatribe about it on Facebook. I hate that she was fired since her lazy husband can't keep a job, but I'm not surprised about my niece. She can be a negative person. Of course, it's not like she's had a lot to feel positive about in her life. Lack of education, broken home, poverty, sexual abuse, and so forth.

I'm feeling like a pretty negative person myself today. My niece is getting her negativity honestly, perhaps.