Dreams of incompetence

I had one of those dreams last night that seemed to go on forever. In it, I was terribly incompetent at one of the things I do best: expressing myself. Someone had insulted someone I cared about, and I'd somehow connected to some major news agency and really sounded off in my loved one's favor. (I don't remember who that loved one was, oddly.) Then I was accused of making matters worse for this person, that somehow the things I'd said made him/her look worse, not better. One of the newscasters covering the story said, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?" I remember looking at the reports of what I'd supposedly said, and I was both misquoted and taken out of context, so you'd think I wouldn't blame myself, but that's what I was doing. I was so ashamed! It's like everyone else understood my faux pas but somehow I didn't, and I couldn't figure out why my words were so insulting to my friend.

For anyone who knows me, that shouldn't be a revelation about my character. If nothing else defines me, it's fear of not behaving in a socially appropriate way. Sometimes when I think about my ex-friend EJB, I realize that her comments to me were often "corrections" to whatever she thought I'd said or done that she deemed tactless or rude or inappropriate. BEG, another friend, often did the same thing. So I could only conclude that I was raised in a barn by wolves (to mix metaphors). It's why I took a class in social etiquette my first semester in college. I still shy away from many social situations, which is such a paradox, given that I'm considered a reasonably good public speaker (and have even taught public speaking). I actually handle many social situations well, yet I dread them and avoid them.

One of the reasons is my weight. According to what I've read over the years, people expect the obese to be smelly, sweaty, gassy, and unkempt. I do my best to be as neat and clean as I can be, but that doesn't mean others believe that I'm clean and neat. I try to be graceful rather than clumsy, and in that area, I won't be able to succeed until I'm more agile. Given the arthritis that plagues me in my hip and knee, I'll probably go downhill rather than uphill in that area, which is a pity, given how much I'd like to take dancing lessons.

Fat people spend their lives trying to make themselves smaller and more innocuous, which means that we don't move our arms and legs much. Thus, we burn fewer calories, simply trying to stay out of other people's space.

So, I can accept that I'm not especially competent physically. And I know I've had more than my share of foot-in-mouth moments. Still, I'm no worse than anyone else when it comes to interactions with others. So why should I extend my real incompetencies into the area of my competencies? Is it concern over my new tenure-track status at work? Fear of somehow doing or saying the wrong thing? Am I concerned that my new work status will be much like my early days in the graduate program, when another female student treated me like a pariah because she believed I'd gone out of my way to insult her? Am I worried that I'll say something or do something that will cause all the other faculty to shudder in horror and wonder why in the world they ever thought hiring me would be a good idea?

Rationally, I know I'll do okay. Emotionally, however, I expect there will be more bad dreams in my future.