I can endure anything that I myself have to face so much easier than I can bear it when one of my children has to face some heartbreak. He won't be able to make himself do it again. It's so hard to climb back into the saddle, and it was all he could do to make himself take it the second time after he'd failed it the first time. My poor son. My beautiful wonderful brave son, who has had so little to go his way in the last decade. We haven't yet talked with him--he's holed up, licking his wounds, wondering what he can possibly do next, I should imagine--but when we pulled up the bar exam results yesterday at 5 o'clock, and his name was not there.... My husband uttered an obscenity that he never, ever says. We kept rechecking, sure that some omission would be noted. Our hearts are so heavy. Neither of us slept well. We just wanted to sit and feel sad.
And we want answers. Why? What happened? What went wrong? When you know someone to be much, much above average in IQ, when you know how hard he's worked and studied and prepared.... Is there some shit list that has his name on it? Has he angered some "god"? I won't say "God" since I cannot rationally believe in some omniscient omnipotent utterly unreasonable being who (were he to really exist) goes about killing innocent people randomly and bestowing horrendous luck on good people and blissful luck upon bottom-feeders. I don't even WANT to believe in a deity like that. I'd better not have anyone say anything about God's will and some plan he might have for my son because, frankly, it's a load of crap. However, if there were a god, it would definitely be male, because no even-halfway-decent mother would ever dispense such idiotic "justice."
Thinking of how my son is feeling today, I cannot smile.
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