I am referring to my niece to whom I am the closest. She knows who she is. We don't see each other often, but we are much alike in many ways.
Better minds than mine have proclaimed that we should "know ourselves" and "be true to ourselves." That's easier said than done, especially for women, because we are forced to conform in so many ways. I remember running and playing outside with my brother Curtis. We'd play so hard and laugh so hard that I didn't think I could ever be closer to anyone. (I never felt close to Sheila when we were children because Mama went out of her way to keep us from forming a bond. She pitted us against each other.) I could tell that Curtis had very traditional ideas, even then, because he seemed to resent that the oldest child (me, a girl) got to have privileges that the oldest boy (him) did not yet have. He resented mightily the fact that our father seemed to prefer me to him. (Mama preferred him to me, though.)
I resented it when Curtis did not have to do the many chores that Sheila and I had to do. He occasionally took a turn with the dishwashing, but usually he took out the trash and helped with yardwork. I was the one getting up at 4:30 a.m. to help cook breakfast and get everyone ready for school. Sheila and I washed dishes, swept and mopped floors, washed clothes, hung them out to dry, took them in, ironed them. We cleaned the bathroom. I would never have dreamed of running away from home the way he did. But then, I had to be responsible. The entire summer I spent at Uncle Sherman's in California (1969), where I babysat his six kids for free, I was worried sick about my siblings back home. Curtis and Junior (Walt) ran away from home and later joined the military. I saw them as being free, while I was emotionally tethered to Mama, Daddy, and my siblings left at home.
Curtis often sat in judgment of me. When he found out that Doug (my fiance) and I were sexually active before marriage, he insulted me and was furious with me. (I was a slut.) Yet I'm pretty sure he wasn't a virgin when he married, either, but the old double-standard ideas were alive and well back then. I'm not surprised that he has had backward ideas about his daughters and sons and what their roles should be. I don't know about his wife. She strikes me as more open-minded, but it's hard to know.
As a teacher of college-aged people, I deal all the time with students who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, and/or unsure. As an advisor for PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), I hear sad sad stories. More importantly, I deal all the time with adults who are comfortable being who they are, mainly because they live and work in an environment that does not restrict free expression of human endeavor (including sexuality). Education coupled with intelligence is a powerful force for freedom. I've heard my brother Curtis speak so negatively about homosexuality. (He'd be a bit upset that most studies show that men who are the most opposed to homosexuality are the ones that tend to have the most doubts about their own sexuality.)
So what I am saying to my niece is this: You are who you are. You will never be happy unless you can freely BE who you are. You can be straight and still not like to be "feminine" and "submissive." You can be lesbian and love to wear make-up and dress girly-girly. You have unique DNA. There has never been another person exactly like you. There never has been, nor will there ever be. You have ONE life. Live it.
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