Once again, I've received a highly religious e-card from a certain relative (in-law). She's never struck me as especially religious herself, but I think she somehow believes that we would like her better if she overtly seemed religious. We wouldn't. Maybe she thinks we are super-religious, the way certain others in the family are. We aren't. If anything, we are the opposite. So why should she make the assumption? Why should anyone who is a die-hard believer make the assumption that others are?
If one is not a believer, he or she is automatically suspect. I've had students say they'd rather live next door to a child molester than to an atheist. Even now, I find myself censoring the words I'm choosing for fear of offending someone, so let me just get over this hurdle and blurt it on out: I am not religious. I am not agnostic, though that is what I say when put on the spot. I'm actually an atheist. I tried to be a believer. I grew up in a small town where I'm quite sure the ancient tradition of stoning would have been reinstituted for anyone who wasn't a believer. If you weren't, you faked it. No choice. My elementary school had prayers before lunch every day. On Fridays when we had assembly, the principal rehearsed the Sunday School lesson he'd be teaching on the forthcoming Sunday. We sang religious songs, and not just at Christmas. My best friends, even throughout high school, were deeply involved with their churches.
I don't dislike believers. I don't feel superior. They have something I don't have, and yes, there are times I've been jealous of that. But it's not as easy as believing only because you want to believe. Every time I tried that tactic, this little voice said, "That makes no sense."
I know not everything makes sense. Not everything can be explained. But why should I "take it on faith" if faith itself is nonsensical to me? I don't have faith that the driver of the car coming up fast behind me is going to slow down. Instead, I drive defensively. I don't have faith that it won't snow just because I don't want it to snow. I bring the YakTrax, the windshield de-icer, and the scraper. It's not that I think everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things just happen. Like in Stephen Crane's "Open Boat," bad things can happen to good people. Good things can happen to bad people. There is no rhyme or reason. It just is.
The other day when I was having my eyes examined, I mentioned to the ophthalmologist that I'd finally completed my doctorate. She congratulated me and then asked, "It's in theology, isn't it?" Why would she ask that? Is it sexism, sizism, or regionalism? Do I somehow look religious? (Hey, Doctor, those stars you see in my eyes are the result of radial keratotomy, not my pure soul blazing forth.)
I don't have a pure soul. I don't even know if I have a soul. But I have a consciousness, and I have a conscience, and I believe deeply in treating other people with kindness and compassion. I just wish all those believers out there would stop forcing me to be a hypocrite. Because I am so afraid of angering or hurting someone, I don't contradict people when they assume I'm a believer the same way they are (or the same way they wish they were?). Instead, I just force a smile and go on my way, hoping that one day I can be who I am instead of who others force me to be. Yes, I could make a big deal out of it, going the militant route, but what good would that do anyone? I'd have my whole family down on their knees praying for my soul (the one I'm not sure I have), and they all have much better ways to waste their time.
So on this Good Friday--aren't all Fridays good?--I have to say, even if it's only to myself, that the super-religious e-card offends me because the sender assumes that I buy into the same superstitions that so many others do. I don't. The Bible is a nice work of fictionalized history, but it makes no sense, it contradicts itself, and there is no reason for me to believe the unbelievable. I don't believe in ghosts and little green people from Mars, either. Maybe they exist. Maybe a god of some sort exists. But I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe. Dr. S.
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