Esteemed Spouse is making me anxious. The other day he ran across a woman that he and I both know. She asked about me, and he told her I had not gotten the position at the school (their school) that I'd applied for and that I was teaching elsewhere. She made some comment about my always speaking my mind, and he took that to mean that she was implying that I was too outspoken to get hired there. I find that really strange. She isn't in the same department as I was in, though we did interact for other reasons. Unless she was an outside member of a hiring committee, I can't imagine how she would have any insight into the reasons I wasn't considered. More importantly, although I am outspoken, I went out of my way to be agreeable to everyone and never raised a fuss except when I was treated so badly the first go-round. Again, that had nothing to do with her. She is sort of flaky, so it wouldn't surprise me if she was actually remembering someone else, not me.
Jackie reports that the Search Committee member who talked with her asked questions such as whether I was an ethical person. Spouse finds that odd and seems to see it as a bad sign. It makes me wonder if he thinks I'm unethical. I hope not. I know there are times when he does not understand what I do and how I teach, doing what we all tend to do, use our own slice of the profession as a barometer for what others ought to be doing. Unlike me, he has not worked in other departments. I've had the chance to see how different departments work, and what is considered slipshod by one group can be considered Best Practices by another. (Take scantron tests, for instance. He uses them often. I see them as lazy teaching.) We got into a difference of opinion recently, for instance, when he was complaining about a member of his department. She's a young mother, and she drives to the college from a city about two hours away. One day she was worried and concerned about her baby (new sitter), and so she arranged for someone else to take over her class that day so she could return home. He found that simply outrageously unprofessional. I found it perfectly normal and nothing whatsoever to get upset about.
Anyway, his worry has changed my reasonably benign irritation with waiting to hear something on the job into this guilt-ridden neurotic worry that somehow, I might be thought unethical or unprofessional. I challenge anyone to accuse me of not putting the students' best interests front and foremost. I hardly have a life because their interests come first. And, as I was mentioning to him quite recently, hardly a day passes that I'm not in pain. Yet I meet my classes and am lively and cheerful and interactive. I just got an email while ago from a student I've never met, asking my advice about which course to take next. Students like me. They insist that they learn more from me than they learn from any of their other teachers. I respect them and care for them and listen to them and never, never, never treat them like numbers or like children. I dare anyone else to prove that they have better rapport with their students than I have. And it's not just a popularity contest. It is quite common for me to get an email from a student from several semesters ago, thanking me for something he or she learned in my class.
Okay, now that I have talked myself through this moment of self-doubt, I can settle back down and wait some more. It is probable that no decision will be made this week because of Spring Break. So I'm just going to set to work on my To-Do List and just put this whole business out of my mind. Well. I'll try. Dr. S.
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