I dreamed about Ellie's koi last night, except they were my husband's koi, and he had somehow located his koi pond on the edge of an ocean by barricading and thus setting off kind of a tide pool where the koi could be separate from other ocean critters. (I don't think koi are salt water fish, to begin with, but that's a moot point.) As part of my dream, the husband was arguing with local business types over whether he had the right to do that, and they were saying they were going to turn this shore segment into development, so he had to relocate anyway.
Somehow, there were rows and rows of these other creatures that we were calling "frogs" but they weren't. They were dead crustaceans of some sort, more turtle-like than frogs. Then there was this one huge one, about three feet long and two feet wide, with a plated exterior skeleton. It too was dead at first, but then, after I had this little live one (it looked more like a crab) scurrying around, the big one came to life and began to chase the little one. It caught it, and at first it seemed that it was trying to mate with it, but as I grew closer, I could see that the big one's mouth was on its underside, and it was trying to stuff the little one into this mouth. (Come to think of it, this mouth was a lot like the shape shifter's mouth on Torchwood last night.) Then somehow my younger son (who was about 8 or 10, as he often is in my dreams) came near, and the thing got him. I watched as his arm went into this mouth, and he was being pulled in. I was horrified and trying to get help.
That must be when I woke up because I don't recall what happened next. I'm sure to a large extent this dream was inspired by the scifi show on BBCAmerica, Torchwood. But I think it also reflects how much I worry about my sons, especially the younger one, who does not seem to be finding his way. The other day someone mentioned "failure to launch," but my son isn't trying to live with us. He's married and quite happy to see us no more often than a couple of times a year. He just returned home from a short visit with his brother, and in conversation yesterday, older brother reported that younger brother seemed happier and healthier than he'd seen him in a long time. But--he hasn't held a job in years, and if we didn't send them money, they'd be homeless. As older brother said, though, he didn't find his own way until he was thirty, so younger brother has a couple of years to go before we give up on him.
I don't want to give up on him. I want him to find a direction. If music isn't it, then something else has to be. He can't just continue to live hidden away and spending his days with a computer. Real happiness is found by mixing the fun with the hurt, the play with the work. All of one doesn't lead to happiness.
Will there ever be a day when I don't worry about my family? Would I ever really want to live without worrying about them? Probably not. It gives me a bit of relief from worrying about myself, after all. Dr. S.
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