Legitimacy

I forgot to mention that a box of business cards showed up in my departmental mailbox last week. It's nice to feel legitimate. It's the first time I've ever had cards provided by a department, but I have bought and made my own before.

I just talked to my younger sister Sally, who of course filled me in on all the things happening back in Jena. Sheila has ulcers in her stomach and colon. Sally hurt her back trying to lift Amber, who now weighs over 140 pounds (and if she were able to stand, she'd be several inches taller than her mother). Sally will get Medicaid coverage soon (December), and then she'll try to get some dentures. Sheila got a prescription for the ulcers but hasn't filled it yet because it's so expensive. She's working two jobs just trying to support that lazy lump of a son-in-law who arbitrarily quit his job a few months ago. No doubt the stress isn't helping. Missy works part-time, but that isn't enough to pay the bills. And so on. I'm sitting here with my stomach all in knots thinking of how sad it all is, and how glad I am that I don't have to deal with them on a daily basis.

Life is so full of "if only's" that it's useless to ponder them, but I still wonder how things might have gone differently if we'd never moved away. My sons have no sense of family, no feelings of love and loyalty to their relatives. They feel closer to their wives' families than they do to their own aunts, uncles, and cousins. (Who knows how that will change for Daniel if he and Wendy do split up?) Is it better for everyone that Stephen and Daniel have not faced the disillusionment about my family that I deal with? They know that things are bad, but they don't have to talk to anyone on a regular basis about it. I know it hurts their Grandmother Robideaux that she so seldom hears from them, but they don't have a great sense of affection for her either. (Her clear devotion to her one and only granddaughter early in their lives has, I think, caused them to feel that she isn't especially fond of them, but I think she cares a lot for them.)

My brother in North Carolina turned 54 yesterday. I don't think he's very happy, but then, he's got "family troubles" of his own. My husband's older brother will be 60 soon, and I can tell he's a bit angst-ridden over it. He's never liked the idea of getting older (does anyone?), but he's fought it a bit harder than most, trying to act younger than was appropriate at times. At least now that his motorcycle is broken, his mother has less to worry about than before.

No one has heard from my cousin in Houston. We don't know if he's had his liver transplant or not. I hope so, and I hope it went well.

It's a gloomy overcast day, and I've been cold all day. Maybe that's why I'm feeling sad and wistful. It would be so wonderful if everyone could get healthy and start doing okay financially all at the same time, but that's not going to happen. The country is in dire trouble financially, and many are beginning to predict another Great Depression. One of my night-class students, a strapping man about 35 or so, has just been laid off at his company (one of fifteen workers laid off), and I could tell he was really upset about it. Who wouldn't be? He has a wife and children. It would be really hard for people today to try to live the way they did back in the 1930s, so most folks don't even think about the easier ways to cut back on spending: lose the cablevision, cell phones, and credit cards. My own spouse would probably rather just go ahead and die before he'd tackle life without the amenities he's used to having.

My, what a sad sack I'm being. I meant to write an uplifting blog entry about how great it felt to have business cards, but the family woes wrapped themselves around my brain, and down I went into the abyss. I'm already dreading another week apart from my spouse and cat, and this week is looking even longer than usual. I've got blood work to do tomorrow morning in preparation for my doctor's visit next week, and then on Friday I'm likely to have to drive back to Big Rapids for a grade-norming session. Bleah. It's supposed to rain a couple of times this week and be kind of chilly. I need to have my hair trimmed. I need to wash a couple of loads of laundry. Is it nap time yet?