One of the things I learned from my husband was how to interact appropriately with family members and people I cared about. (It's a lesson I'm still learning, btw.) My family was all too used to hurling insults at each other, calling each other names, using vulgar language instead of appropriate terms for body parts and bodily activities, and in general just not having much sensitivity. We especially excelled at insults that destroyed each other's self-esteem and self-confidence. For instance, my mother would say, "Little head, little wit. Big head, not a bit." That was in reference to a couple of things. First, my sister Sheila has a very petite head atop a long, graceful neck. I have a humongous lumpy head atop a reasonably short neck. Second, Sheila made poor grades (despite being intelligent) and failed once or twice, whereas I made excellent grades and graduated with a 3.6. (It would have been higher if I'd had any family member who could have helped me with classes like algebra, geometry, and chemistry.) So I was not "smart": rather, I was a smart-ass. And no doubt,I probably acted like a smart-ass pretty often. After all, I had not learned how to appropriately show what I knew. My mother also would say that we were not supposed to toot our own horns, that we should let others brag on us instead. (Like THAT was ever going to happen!)
So my childhood verbal interactions with my family sounded a lot like this: "Who asked you, Fart Face?" Response: "I know you are, but what am I?" Response: "You think your shit don't stink, dontcha?" We also constantly insulted each other's bodies. I recall that when Sheila began to "blossom," she developed really large breasts in a hurry. My brother Curtis and I began to call her "Tits McGee." I have no idea where we got that insult from. Curtis stuttered a little, and Daddy would yell at him and insult him about that, too.
So I was completely unprepared for a relationship that was based on mutual respect, that never used insults or unkind criticism just for the sake of hurting someone else's feelings. But we talked about it often before we married, and we agreed that we would never hit each other. We would never throw anything at each other. And we would never, ever exchange insults or call each other bad names. We've now been married for nearly 39 years, and we have adhered to that agreement 99.9 percent of the time. We occasionally will jokingly say things like "Well, gee, smart-ass, I didn't know that!" in response to the other one making an obvious statement, but it's always said with a laugh and a hug.
In short, I have learned about respect from my husband in a way that I never learned about respect from my family. I think to some extent, I still revert to that rude, tactless, unkind person when I interact with some of them, and I'm still Miss Big Head Smart-ass Know-It-All, far too often. It's likely that I am this way with others, too, and have yet to recognize that about myself, but I am trying. I keep trying. I keep trying to become as kind and respectful as my husband is. Maybe if we get to enjoy another few decades together, I'll achieve that goal.
Meanwhile, I'm going to be pedantic once again and speak directly to my niece Tassina. Don't let anyone, not Jimmy or anyone else, speak disrespectfully to you, and try very hard not to speak disrespectfully to him or anyone else, especially not to your children. You have a chance to help break the family cycle of rudeness and unkindness. If you're lucky, you'll achieve that goal earlier than your Aunt Sharon, who is facing turning 59 in a month and is still trying to figure it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment