Forgiveness

As irritating as I find Kathy Lee Gifford, I watched the segment on the Today Show at ten o'clock this morning because they had a bit on forgiveness, how it hurts more to hold a grudge, etc. The advice dribbling from the cherry lips of the blonde guest psychologist/psychiatrist is that we should always forgive. No one ever looks at the other side of the issue: there are times when forgiveness is not an option.

I've usually been the one to forgive. I forgave a boyfriend for cheating on me. I forgave friends who wronged me. Finally, I realized that some people will repeatedly take advantage of those who forgive by pushing the bad behavior even further. I won't mention names, but a so-called "friend" from my past wronged me so repeatedly, and I forgave her so repeatedly, that finally my self-esteem had eroded to the point where I believed I was worthless and not deserving of the respect that friends should have for one another. Recently I read a Patricia Cornwell novel, The Book of the Dead, in which a woman is just downright manipulative and cruel, and I was reminded of this woman from my past. Like Dr. Self, the book's character, this person was able to jerk me around like a puppet on strings. When she did something wrong, if I confronted her, she was able to turn it around until somehow, I was the one apologizing to her. If there is such a thing as a "toxic" friend (seems an oxymoron), this particular woman was the Love Canal. She was buried barrels of nuclear waste with a million tons of McDonald's organic waste on top.

It took me until I was in my forties to realize what she was doing to me. Despite what other people told me about her, I continued to defend her and believe in her until suddenly, it was like I woke up and saw her for who and what she really was.

That was the end of our relationship. I can't even call it "friendship" because it wasn't. It was a manipulator and her patsy. Sorry to say, this woman is in a position in life where she can easily manipulate others, especially vulnerable people, and never be challenged. If the harm she did me is vast, I can only imagine the harm she's done to others.

So I hold a grudge not as a form of pre-revenge or plain old hatefulness, but as a form of self-protection. If I ever once forgive the way she treated me, then I'll be prone to allowing others to treat me just as badly. The only way to heal and grow is to stay wary of that woman and others like her, as if they were untamed wild beasts. When it comes to their compassion for others, their sense that others are valuable and worthy, people like this woman will never pass the test. She will always be climbing a ladder of some kind, where the rungs are the minds, hearts, and aspirations of other people. I just wish she didn't have such unlimited access to others' feelings, especially young people's. Since I last saw or spoke to her, she's had time to ruin the lives of dozens of people. I'm just glad I finally saw through her for the hypocrite she is and has always been and will always be. (I don't even imagine that she could or would "reform" her evil ways, since she doesn't believe that she is the evil one.)

Yet, I don't hate her. I hate the way she is. No, I'm not going to go all "Hate the sin, love the sinner." I distrust her like I distrust a coiled rattlesnake with its rattlers shaking. I fear her like I fear falling from a great height (have I mentioned my fear of heights?). I am as wary of her as I am of a used-car salesman in a green polyester leisure suit. She is what she is. If my cat gets tired of my petting him and bites me, I don't hate the cat. I stop and look to see what I can do differently so that I don't get bitten again. In the case of this woman, the best thing is to keep many miles between us, with absolutely no contact whatsoever. I don't ever want to forget how she used me, so I don't plan to ever forgive her. If that's holding a grudge and being small-minded, then so be it. There are times when forgiveness is not possible. It's not even safe. S.