Can't think

I can't concentrate or think. I have a ton of stuff to do, but my mind is too occupied with worry about the weather and getting my husband home. Additionally, the change in barometric pressure affects my sinuses, and I am now feeling as if a large brick is inside my head. If I tilt my head forward, the brick falls forward. And my right ear, as usual, aches and is affecting my balance. That ear constantly feels as if a shard of ice is inside it--cold, wet, miserable.

I do so hate the nit-picky crap that being an academic can entail. Right now, I have a HUGE folder full of stuff from the union. I don't want to belong to the union, but I have to pay, whether or not I belong. It costs over 900 bucks a year to belong to the union. It would cost me nothing if I taught at Grand Valley since they aren't part of the union, but I don't have that option.

I also have two huge folders of crap for the Comp Committee. It's all assessment garbage. I don't care. It doesn't matter. It's a waste of time. It's irrelevant. It's busy work. I don't give my students busy work for a reason. Why do I have to do busy work?

The department office wants copies of my syllabi by tomorrow. Yeah. Right. Why? Are they worried that after all this time, I'm going to include orgies and drug parties as part of my schedule of assignments? A syllabi must include so many dumb things--outcome statements, for example. I don't care. My ideal outcome statement for all my classes is this: I want my students to end the semester having a little less hatred for writing and reading.

When did I become such a contrarian? I used to be such a law-and-order rules-oriented person. Now, the more someone tries to get me to do something, the more obstreperous I become. I'm like that little video that's been making the rounds lately of a little baby that keeps saying, "No" to everything she's asked. Is this the result of getting old, or is it the result of the deepest elements of my personality finally revealing themselves? I have become Bartleby the Scrivener: "I would prefer not to."

The only thing I've done worth a damn today (other than laundry) is petting the cat. Simon has taken to planting himself down in front of me and waiting. He knows if he continues to stare at me, I'll bend down and rub his beautiful soft head and ears. It makes both of us happy. I could not make it through the day if I didn't have the expectation of fuzz therapy to calm me. It will be hard to endure not having my beloved cat on hand--literally--when I'm up in Big Rapids next week.

Even though I had no true expectation of winning the lottery, I could not help thinking how nice it would be to be in charge of my own time. To be the one who decides what I'm going to do and when I'm going to do it. But that's also irrational since hardly anyone gets that luxury.